I was going to start this by saying I'm sorry I hadn't posted in a while, but I have been busy. But I was on spring break and I had the time. I think that I'm just nervous to start the next section. It gets a lot more uncomfortable and personal. So if you choose to keep reading, then you're going to learn a lot that you may not want to know about me.
When I was 10, I started developing IBS. For those that don't know, IBS is where you have intestinal and colon issues and you have to use the bathroom a lot. Like A LOT. Your insides can get irritated easily and that irritation can cause pain and bleeding. I had my first flare up and my doctors started me on steroids. The steroids caused me to get round in the face and a bit chubby. However, that was better then the alternative. Before, I was ridiculously thin because my intestines wouldn't absorb any of the food I ate. I was a walking stick. Some of my friends would joke that if I turned to the side, I would disappear. But the steroids weren't good either. You eat a lot, you have horrible moods, you become hyper, you can't sleep. Luckily, I don't think it was too bad for me when I was that young, but it definitely had its effects later.
At the time, my oldest sister, Carina, was engaged to be married. She and her husband, Jason, got married when I was 11. It was a beautiful wedding even though I don't remember it too well since I was so young. Of course, during it I was in the middle of a high dose of steroids. And that was the first wedding that I had been a part of (as a flower girl) and it began the precedent of me never looking "normal" in any wedding I've been in. Of course, I know that the weddings are in no way about me, but I think I will always be a little sad that in all of my sister's and cousin's wedding pictures, I never look like what I want to. I feel embarrassed to look at them and even more embarrassed to be so selfish. Even as I'm writing this I feel myself wanting to cry. My family won't even let me look at the pictures of my cousin's wedding that happened when I was 19 because they know what it would do to me emotionally. While writing this, I hate that I'm complaining about how I looked at someone else's wedding. It's stupid and egotistical. But the brides were all magnificently beautiful and it was a wonderful day for them which is what really matters! The other weddings will surface later in the blog, but this was when I first started getting sick and what it coincided with.
Gen, I appreciate your bravery in being so honest with your feelings. I can't imagine how hard this must be sometimes to write it all down! I also get sad thinking about how much your body changed because of steroids, and how incredibly hard that must have been to experience during the most body-conscious time of your life. I remember thinking how unfair it was because I knew how beautiful you were, but felt that you had trouble seeing you the way I did.
ReplyDeleteWhat I remember about you from Carina's wedding is when you grabbed the microphone towards the end of the night (in the bold, confident way that only you can) and made the most profound toast about love and commitment to car and jay. I remember all of us being blown away by your thoughtfulness and genuine insight. And of course how beautiful you were.
Yes, Gen! I don't think that anyone who attended our wedding will ever forget your speech! I remember thinking how Dad's speech was the coolest thing I had ever heard. And then in the middle of the dance floor my tiny sister blew everyone away sounding much much older than she was. Also, I can't even imagine how hard it must be to look through the wedding photos. But I really do want to share mine with you again sometime. You are absolutely gorgeous, even if it wasn't the way you thought you should look :)
ReplyDeleteYeah- I can only barely remember doing that, but I remember thinking at your wedding that I had some important stuff that I had to say and so I said it! And I want to look through those wedding photos as well! I was so young, it's hard to remember everything exactly.
ReplyDeleteReally a cute post. Still remember my baby shower party last year. Welcoming the new one to this world was a great experience and also enjoying this mommy phase of life. My husband booked one of the lavish LA event venues for the surprise party. Decorations and my favorite food arrangements were mind blowing.
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