Reflection

For more than a week now I haven't posted because once again I've been hesitant about what I want to write. This post will be a quick pause in the story of my transplant because the other day someone said something to me that made me think.

My voice teacher, Liz, was talking to one of my classmates, Sierra, about how even though she's a younger student, she has a maturity about her because of her past. Liz said that not everyone has the fairytale childhood and then pointed out that Sierra and I had very abnormal (and not good) experiences in our pasts that made us sing the way we do today. I think I usually try to push this thought out of my head and say that back then, I did what I needed to do. I don't want to think about how my childhood and teenage years were so different from people that are normal. I'm afraid to think too hard about it because then I will have to grieve for my loss. But two things have made me start to think about this more. First, just by writing this blog, I've been trying to be more honest with myself and in my writing. Second, I am starting to watch my nieces and nephews grow and have a beautiful and healthy life ahead of them. And I love that. But it's also a bright and shining example of what a normal, real childhood looks like.

So it makes me sad to think about how unfair it all was which makes all of the questions come out. Why did my life have to be so different? Is there a reason for all this? And the most frequent one- WHY ME? And there is no reason. Sometimes people try to give me reasons like "you are only given what you can handle" and "by going through all of this, you are meant to do something with your life". But the real answer is there is no reason. My favorite people are the ones who, when I ask "why me?", they just say "I don't know. It's so unfair." Because it is unfair. I have been through so much shit in my life and it isn't right. Sometimes I think to myself that karma will come into play and later my life will be the best a person can have. But that is unrealistic and not true. There are things left over from the transplant that will never, ever leave me no matter how hard we try to fix it.

But that being said, I must admit that without everything that happened to me, I wouldn't be who I am today. Sure, I definitely could have done without a lot of it, but it happened and I can't change that. One of my favorite thoughts is the more sadness/hardships you experience, the more you appreciate the happy things. So yeah- sometimes life sucks and there isn't anything you can do about it. And when it does suck, you should take time to appreciate that suckiness so you can fully appreciate your happiness later. I've also gained a serious appreciation for life. I pretty much never let the small things bother me and I hope that I help my friends and family to do that as well. It's a lesson that is hard to learn, but when you do, life becomes infinitely easier and it is an amazing thing. So next time something bad happens- a guy (or girl) you just met doesn't call you back, you get a bad grade, you get into a fight with a friend- first, wallow in your sadness for a bit so you can appreciate it later. But then, get up. It's not the worst thing in the world and will probably not be the worst thing that will ever happen to you. And let it make you better- know that the guy (or girl) isn't worth your sadness, do better on the next test, make up with your friend because y'all are both being stupid (quick tip: in a fight, no one is ever completely right or wrong- it is always both your faults). :)

So yeah- that is what I've been thinking about for the past week. And thinking about it made me upset, but I reflected on it, told myself it sucked, and then brushed myself off so I could move on. I know that these thoughts will come back to me every once in a while, but I also know I can handle it. So why me? There is no reason. But I know it's made me who I am today- who is a pretty awesome person if I do say so myself!