View From Afar

Throughout my posts, I've mentioned my mom, my dad, and Mercedes a lot. But the thing is, they weren't the only ones going through everything with me. They were just the ones that I had close proximity to. At the time, my sister, Carina, was pregnant and my sister, Brandan, was in law school at UT. My parents and Mercedes apparently sent them daily updates of how I was doing and what was going on (unbeknownst to me). But they had their own view of the events- a much more distant view.

Finally, in December, Carina started having contractions (or what she thought were contractions) and my mom flew out immediately to be with her and to be at the birth of her first grandchild. However, the contractions ended up being a false alarm and my mom ended up staying with Carina for two weeks until the baby came. And I hate to say this, but I was selfish. Mom was the one person I wanted to have near me at all times and she was gone for what felt like forever. I don't think I really expressed this out loud at the time because I didn't want Dad, Mercedes, and Matto (my grandmother who was there to help) to feel hurt. But on the inside I just wanted her all to myself. I was mad at Carina for taking her away from me. Now, I look back and I hate that I was angry. I mean, when I give birth to my first child, Mom had better be there because I'm going to be scared out of my mind! Clearly, Carina was in much more need of Mom than I was. But here is Carina's point of view of my transplant experience so far:

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So I have to admit that I did not read Gena’s blog until now, when she asked me to guest blog on her next post. As we have all established at this point, Gena is the strongest person in our lives. When I heard that she was writing this blog I was so happy and excited for her, I feel that this is a truly wonderful thing that she is doing for herself, and for all of us. And while my family and friends have been telling me how amazing the posts are, and what an incredible insight it is into her experience, I managed to find excuses not to read them. I would see on Facebook that a new blog entry had been posted, and I would quickly scroll past it, embarrassed that I was too scared to read it. Too scared to discover what Gena was really feeling and thinking during her experiences. And while it was even harder to read than I imagined (the pile of tissues next to me as proof), I can’t help but sit here and feel happy. Gena’s right - we do have an incredible family and I’m so proud to be a part of it! And Gena is an absolutely amazing person, and I’m so proud to be her biggest sister. So here’s my version of events - a perspective from outside the hospital room.

I think to accurately describe how I saw all of this go down, I also have to back up for a second. The first few blog posts I remember pretty clearly. But reading about Gena’s experiences after moving to Texas were really interesting and somewhat of a revelation for me. I left for college in 1997 when she was only 7! (and yes, I’m old). And we didn’t live in the same city again until she started at UT in 2009 - twelve years living apart. I of course heard about everything that she was going through, and would visit as often as I could. But I wasn’t exactly living through this like my parents and younger sisters were.

My most vivid memory of the whole ordeal up to this point in the story is the actual transplant. I was 5 months pregnant with our first child. Like the rest of my family, but I think to an even greater extent, I felt that I had been helpless to do anything to help Gena. I wasn’t a match for her bone marrow, I didn’t live with her so I couldn’t help with any daily motivation. I didn’t live in Cincinnati so I couldn’t offer up a homebase. But I thought to myself, I could at least BE in Cincinnati for the transplant, and support everyone as best as I could. I remember feeling somewhat sheepish as I visited with Gen in her hospital room before the big event. Here I was: married, pregnant, with a good job and a happy life. And as she’s described with painful clarity, she was stuck with this situation. And it was so unfair, why her?! I remember her optimism at that point, and I was so impressed with how incredibly brave she was.

Anyway, back to the story. For some reason I most remember being with my parents that day, particularly my mom. We were all back and forth between Mercedes’ recovery room and Gena’s room, but Merce was pretty out of it and I didn’t get to see Gena as much as my parents did. Here is my mom with two of her children going through extremely difficult procedures. One fighting for her life, the other undergoing an intensely painful procedure to save her sister. I remember standing in the waiting room while Merce was in surgery. Hearing the news about the blood in her stomach. Mom almost in a panic but somehow keeping it together. Me trying to comfort her. And then we saw Dr. Filipovitch. The doctor took one look at my mom and pulled her into a huge hug (and anyone who knows Dr. Filipovitch knows that she is not generally the hugging type). Mom pretty much collapsed into her, completely spent and scared out of her mind. It’s bringing tears to my eyes now. It was one of the most touching experiences I’ve ever seen, and exactly what Mom needed at that moment.

Skip forward 4 months. Gena is back in the hospital dealing with her GVHD, depression and pain. We are all so worried about her, me from afar, getting email and text updates daily from the faithful crew in Cinci. Then I go into labor (or at least I thought I did). I call my mom in a panic - I’m selfish and I’m scared and I want her by my side! She decides to fly into Austin the next day to be with me. Only by then we’ve discovered that it’s false labor and I’m already back at home by the time she lands. Of course, selfishly I’m so happy to have my mom with me. She’s been in lock-down with Gen for months. Surely I thought, I’ll be in labor again within a day or two and then she can go back to Gena. Nope. Two weeks go by before the actual event occurs and Sophia arrives. Those two weeks I know were torture for mom. (And I’m assuming for Gena). I knew mom wanted to be there for the arrival of her first grandchild, but I also knew in her heart how badly she wanted to be back with Gena and how scared she was. She managed to keep it all pretty well hidden. But after reading the last couple of blog posts, it really brings the daily struggles of that time into a much sharper focus. And makes me appreciate even more the sacrifice that everyone made at that time - mom being away from Gen, Gen allowing mom to leave her side for more than 2 weeks! Dad stepping in and being the daily caregiver, Merce stepping up her efforts even more than usual. (And a shout out to Brandy and Jason for keeping me sane here in Austin). I know this memory isn’t exactly about what Gen was going through. But it’s how I experienced this time in her life.

I know we’re not quite to this part of the story yet - but I just have to say that it’s wonderful to finally feel like I can be a part of Gena’s life in a regular way now. I’m the only family in Austin with her at the moment, and I finally get to be the one helping Gena whenever she needs it. (Although, as everyone already knows, she’s actually the one helping me out on a regular basis!) Thanks for writing this blog Gen, I’m not scared to know what you’re thinking or feeling any more, and you’ve made me a stronger person by sharing all of this with us. I’m just happy to be a part of the story. I love you.